Apples of our eyes (Thankful List Day 10)

It will take many blog posts to write about how thankful I am for my beautiful daughter, Elyse. This post shall be one of many. She's been an incredible blessing to our lives. And everyday, I find more reasons to love her even more.

We were at a gathering at our friends' home to visit and welcome their new beautiful baby girl, who is all pink, healthy and lovely. Soon after our arrival, I saw her at play with two other toddlers and it was such fun to see their direct and non-direct interaction between each other. Most of the time, they stared at one another or fought over toys. Even so, it tickled me to watch how cute they looked just being around each other, and I am just so grateful for these sweet, healthy, bundles of joy.

Earlier today, I was watching a short video a friend had sent me. The video was dedicated to the memory of a little three-year old girl who was abused and murdered by her mother's boyfriend-later husband over a period of nine months. Her mother had allowed it to happen. Stories like these shake me to the core, and make me wonder what kind of parent would allow anything remotely bad happen to their own flesh and blood?? What kind of a monster would you have to be to hurt a child, again and again, and then to take her life?

As these emotions flooded my heart and mind, I knew that there is very little I wouldn't do to protect Elyse from the evils of the world. I guess that's what happens when you love someone more than life itself.

Online garage sale (Thankful List Day 9)

In the past two years, we've had lots of reasons to be very grateful for Craigslist.com. It is a free online classifieds website where people go to post all sorts of things and services for sale. I've sold many things through my listings on craigslist, including my old car, some clothes, old electronics, some costume jewellery, furniture, wine glasses and ...oh SHOES! Not to mention, we scored a second-hand, fantastic, huge two-door refrigerator for nothing more than 4 bottles of champagne. Some people are still up for bartering. Imagine that!!!

I live in an apartment and am not able to have frequent garage or yard sales. So, it's been lots of fun to be able to slowly get rid of stuff in preparation for our move home. Looks like I'll have to keep on going with my inventory in storage. *sigh* I think I'll wait till after Chinese New Year.....

P.S. Sorry for the short post. Forgot to blog earlier, and am now too sleepy.

Being Whole (Thankful List Day 8)

When I first arrived in the States, I had a really hard time adjusting to the food. Didn't take me long to pack on the pounds - I gained 25 lbs just in my first year here. I cooked as often as it was possible. Sometimes it was not possible with assignments and papers to grade. So, it was off to the nearest Denny's or IHOP (International House of Pancakes, for the benefit of my non-American readers)

At the conventional supermarket, it is difficult to make healthy choices, just because the unhealthy ones are so abundant and easily within reach. I'm very thankful for my first visit to Whole Foods in Arlington. At that time I lived in Southwest Fort Worth, which was a good half hour away. They were bi-weekly trips with some other friends of mine. They were Italian and sought out the good bread and cheeses not available at the neighbourhood Albertson's or Wal-mart.

Now that I live much closer to said Whole Foods, I make it a point to shop there at least once a week. Mostly to purchase organic milk, fruit and other all-natural groceries for Elyse. They have the lowest price in town for organic goods, and thanks to their in-house brand, 365, I was able to make all of Elyse's baby food by myself. Her vibrant health and brightness is all the proof that I need that I made the right choice.

Even on a very tight budget, I am committed to purchasing some items from there because of the unbeatable quality. I guess once you taste food for what it really is, you can't go back to the cheap and over-processed versions.

Source of knowledge and entertainment. (Thankful List Day 7)

Growing up in Malaysia, I was never impressed with the state of our libraries. The so-called public libraries were an embarrassment, school libraries were practically non-existent.

So, imagine our surprise when Jon and I first stepped into one of many Fort Worth library branches. They had pretty much every book you were looking for, and if they didn't, you could most certainly request for it from one of their many branches, or from a neighbouring city. Multitudes of DVDs were available for a week at a time, ranging from early Hollywood films, to movies released just a couple of months before. And if they didn't have it in their system, you could jolly well request that they purchase it. Imagine that!!

We still catch the occasional movie on the big screen when the rare blue moon appears. But mostly, we've been very fortunate to expand on our seen movie list without forking out a single penny, thanks to the tax payers of Fort Worth. Which....includes me and Jon.

Rats! >_<

Family away from home (Thankful List Day 6)

Most people I know take their families for granted. It's much more apparent when their families are right around the corner, or just down the street. I haven't been home for 10 years. It's an awfully long time, considering I've always been close to my family. Yes, yes... I know absence makes the heart grow fonder. But there's also the flip side to that sometimes - out of sight, out of mind. Sorry, I digress.

Strange thing is that, the longer I have been away from home, the tighter I cling on to values and traditions that I grew up being quite blasé about. So, it's a really good thing I have someone who shares those values with me - my dearest cousin, Lisa.

She's the only real family I have on this side of the planet, and so thankful I am that she's only less than an hour away by car! Even more thankful that she's the sweetest, most generous, welcoming, and kind person you'll ever meet. Furthermore, she's a real hoot, and extremely fun person to be around. We've spent many a time laughing and reminiscing about old and new times. Through many of those conversations, I've discovered that she's probably the only person who truly understands what I went through growing up in my family.

The past few years would have been much, much harder to bear without her never-ending support and help. There isn't much I've accomplished since moving to Texas, but I am very glad that I was able to develop a closer relationship with her, and realize that she's more than just a cousin to me - she's a great friend and pretty much a sister to me.

Grasping at non-existent straws (Thankful List Day 5)

Today has been a very tough day to be thankful about much. Jon and I had a huge bomb set upon us by.... well, I shall not go into details lest I be accused of making the earth spin in the wrong direction.

But I made a resolution to be thankful for at least one thing every day, and I shall stick to my promise. Well...I am thankful for silly comedy movies, "Good Luck, Chuck" with Dane Cook, and "Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay". First one, very funny, but only if you have a pretty open mind and sick sense of humour. Second movie..not as funny as the first one.

Nonetheless, we had our share of mind-numbing chuckles today, without having to resort to alcohol. Oh, and thankfully, also had some leftovers from yesterday. (refer to previous post)

Closest thing to home (Thankful List Day 4)

Most Malaysians would agree with me that nothing else is worth missing more than Malaysian food. Especially those of us who are, or have spent time abroad. Through the 11 years I've spent away from home, I have come to rely on this one tether to home. Well, besides my family and few well-chosen friends, that is.

Most unfortunately, the two locations that served up Malaysian food have come and gone faster than you can say "Teh Tarik". Having had to rely on my own culinary skills to cook up some of my, and Jon's favourite dishes, makes me miss home even more. Some dishes are easier to replicate than others. Some are just impossible. That's because it's not just about the food, it's about the entire experience - physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.

Okay, so getting to my point here....the closest thing we have to home is King's Chinese BBQ, located in Arlington, Texas, or as we like to call it "Little Saigon". Owned and operated by Hong Kong immigrants, they've kept the food genuine and real, reasonably priced and as un-Americanized as possible. We frequent this haunt for our favourite comfort foods, a couple of which I shall featured here - roast duck; and salt and pepper tofu (best tofu dish ever!). It is probably the one place that allows us to keep our sanity, what's left of it, anyway.

The Magic of the Internet (Thankful List Day 3)

I haven't had cable tv access in over a year and a half. Do I miss it? Sometimes. Nowadays, not so much. Thanks to the internet, we've been able to view our favourite tv shows, minus the commercials *evil chuckle*

'TV' dinners are now in front of the computer and the experience is heightened by my fantastic 22" LCD monitor *evil chuckle, again*

Till tomorrow....

Sister, sister (Thankful List Day 2)

The times that I’ve been able to stay afloat these past few years is all thanks to my dearest sister. She’s literally my ‘lifesaver’, emotionally, financially and spiritually. We’re as close as siblings can ever get, even though we’re separated by vast oceans and land.

She’s always been there for me through really, icky thick and bright, bubbly thin. Always generous with taking care of us. “Why?”, I asked her one recent day. She replied, “Because you used to spoil me silly when we were younger.”

Truth be told, I don’t remember much ‘spoiling’. I have always enjoyed her company (okay, since I was maybe 14 years old), even hung out with her friends, chaperoned and drove them places like the mall, movie theatre, mamak, etc. Of course, we’ve had our differences too. I’m impatient, demanding and bossy, and love things done my way. She’s very laid back and does things whenever she sees fit. Although, I’ve noticed that she’s gotten more impatient recently. Must be an age thing.

Half of all Elyse’s toys come from her, as well as my new wardrobe these past 2 months. She’s been our personal bank for past three years because we’ve been struggling to make ends meet. Believe me, I’m embarrassed as hell to have to ask her for help, but unfortunately the situation desperately called for it.

She’s always encouraged me to look upwards and forwards, to believe and hope that things will change for the better. Even more so when she suffered a very tragic, heartbreaking loss of her own almost one year ago. It was a very sobering time for the whole family.

I am amazed at how she’s persevered through an entire year of one horrid event after another, ultimately emerging stronger, wiser and more beautiful, inside and out.

I couldn’t ask for a better person to share a bloodline with :)

New Year Resolution (?) (Thankful List Day 1)

I’ve decided that I’ve allowed myself to wallow far too long in the pit of mud that was 2008. Biggest part of my problem(s) is and was that I couldn’t escape from focusing on the negative in every situation that came my way. It is the foulest, most God-awful feeling that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Well, ironically, I think my worst enemy + critic is myself. Yikes!

Therefore, I have decreed that I shall from today, the first of January, will make myself be thankful for one, if not, a few things that have come across my plate that day. Will I have the resolve to stick to this resolution? *Groan* I don’t know...but damned if I don’t try my very best.

Today, I am very thankful for two friends who have been absolute support for Jon, myself and Elyse. They have done things for us that I would not even expect family to. They have openly accepted us as part of their family, even offered us to move in with them to help us save some much-needed mullah.

Excuse me now whilst I go dry my eyes. I hope you find something to be thankful for today too.

Stop and smell the roses

I've been doing a fair share of food blogs exploration lately, and I have to say I'm embarrassed how my blog turned out. It started out with some amount of food postings, then things went, well, a little south. Past few posts were just downright depressing. My apologies...

I think I ought to let this blog live up to its name a little. Hence, let me share my little raspberry-orange cakelets. I used a cute rose cakelet pan, which I received as a wedding gift. I believe it was a limited-edition item from William-Sonoma. The cakelets themselves are just a plain cupcake recipe, which I added some thawed frozen raspberries and a tiny amount of orange oil and zest.

Light, fluffy, sweet and tart at the same time. How wonderful if life could be that way all the time?

Seen the darkness

I'm sure those of you whom have read the previous post must think me in serious mental jeopardy. Ah, maybe so... But I drafted that post a couple of weeks ago when my mind was extremely cloudy, could not finish it, but couldn't delete it either. So i just briefly capped it off and posted it today.

I lose control of my thoughts sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. I am not proud of it. Better-to-doers would say "Mind over matter, my dear girl." Yeah, yeah... Fat lot easier said, than done. Sometimes it just feels good to wallow in the pit of self-pity for a while. Lying in the muck, slinging it around, hoping it hits some innocent bystanders. Misery loves company, I'm afraid.

*Sigh* My poor husband!

Precariously perched.....

There are days when I just want to run head-long into a hard concrete wall, with hope that the impact would knock me awake or kill me. One way or another, perhaps the madness would end. A horrible thought? Well, perhaps. But I will bet you that there's not a single person who's lived that has never had these contemplations even once.

So, is it just human weakness? Plain ol' day to day depression? Or is there a sinister underlying current that runs deep? Why do we pick at our old wounds and scabs, and thrive on the pain that they inflict again and again? Why do we drive down the same old malignant road, time after time? I think that it boils down to the sadist AND masochist within us. You know, the one half that scoffs at other's misfortunes, and then the other half that goes "I HATE everything about me!"

Take a wild guess which side of the fence I'm on today.

No need for a special day.

Blessed.

Very blessed.

That's how I feel every night when I go to bed. Okay, so it's harder to focus in on that sometimes. Some days the feeling is a little stronger than on others. Sometimes, I need a swift kick in the rear to remember. On some other days, I have to fight tooth and nail, and maybe bleed a little before reluctantly surrendering to the fact that no matter how crappy my day has been, no matter how many unfortunate events rain themselves on me, I have, in truth, many things to be incredibly thankful for:

My beautiful, funny, smart, and goofy baby girl.

My incredibly loving and supportive husband, who is my pillar of strength and challenges me to face the cruel world with my chin up and a smile.

My wonderful parents who have always been around for me.

My brilliant, crazy little sister who inspires me endlessly.

My handful of few, but fiercely supportive group of true friends; some of whom my sanity and well-being dearly depend on.

Today I am able to write this, probably because I'm on the upswing of the roller-coaster that I'm perpetually riding on, so that on inevitable low, low days I will be able to come back and read upon this and remember.

Cute cookie

Okay, my sister has completely indulged one of my childhood (never really outgrew it) loves! She got Elyse and I a couple of packages of Miffy cookies, all the way from Tokyo!

Ultimate cuteness! Funny thing is that they really tasted great! Buttery, slightly sweet, with a slight crunch and then completely melting in the mouth. Yummmm....

All kinds of adorable Miffy pictures.

Miffy and bear!

Funny giraffes!

The First Year.

Yikes! Just realized after a long absence from my blog that it has been...*GULP*, almost 6 months since my last post!!! (*Feeling really, really guilty). Same old excuses, busy with baby whom I am so proud to announce, is well on her way to toddlerhood!

Bunnee-girl celebrated her first birthday two weeks ago. It was a small celebration with a few close friends. I made her a Miffy cake, and Lisa made lots of delicious food. The cake was lemon butter, with a raspberry-lemon buttercream. It was almost completely organic, with the exception of the fondant (which was storebought) and the Miffy icing decoration (couldn't find organic meringue powder, but used organic confectioner's sugar though.)



Elyse had absolutely no idea what was going on that day. All she knew was that we were spending the weekend at Lisa's place, which she loves, and there were lots of visitors! Not sure if she was actually happy about that..hehe. She enjoyed her balloons, especially a cute Nemo one we got for her (which is still happily bobbing up and down in my living room even now.)

She did enjoy digging into her mini-cake, which I made alongside the Miffy cake. It was so satisfying, watching her smoosh her little fingers into that cake and completely tearing it apart! She ended up eating more than half of that cake, by the way, and had a complete sugar crash towards the end of the party.

I think I was so busy preparing for her party, obsessing about Miffy details (I couldn't find Miffy partyware, so ended up printing and sticking my own stickers on the pink and orange party pieces), that I really didn't have time to think about the fact that she's been in this world for more than one whole year. It finally started to hit me about a week later when, during lunch, she shook her head violently when I put more food on her highchair tray, and proceeded to throw each leftover piece on the floor, one by one. Then she reached out both arms to me and said "Ma-ma....uuugggghhh". I guessed she was done, and I was right.

What a personality she has developed! She's turned out to be a adorable, loving, relatively easy-going (when she gets enough sleep) little one, who LOVES to dance, bouncing up and down on any bouncy surface (including her mommy and daddy's tummies), eats anything, but especially loves tofu, noodles, oranges and cookies.

I am already seeing hints of toddler behaviour peeking out, small tantrums, irrepressible curiousity, and a whopping vocabulary of baby babble. How exciting! How terrifying for my husband and I! But, we take it all in shaky stride because this has to be the most exhilarating, fingernail-biting adventure we've ever been on in our entire lives! Well, so far anyway....

What is happiness?

Happiness is...pure and innocent;
It is worldly and wise;
It is in giving, and in receiving;
It is in loving, and in being loved;
It can be tangible, yet untouchable;
It can appear as being or as energy;
It is subtle, yet so powerful;
It is abundant, yet hard to find;
It says a million words, yet can be painfully silent;
It is always welcome, although the invitations get lost;
Dark is a world without it;
Yet, a world without dark will never see the light.

Fast friends!

Ah! The love that my little sugar bear has for this kitty, is only overshadowed by the love this little kitty has for my little girl. Sprinkles is the first one by her side when Elyse cries, jumping up on the glider and peering into the crib to see if she's alright. She meows heartwrenchingly, when Elyse is howling away from not wanting to sleep. Sprinkles lets the little one grab fistfuls of fur and yet only lets out a quiet little meow, never angry nor spiteful. She is there by her bathtub, every evening whilst Elyse is enjoying her splash time. Elyse will smile when Sprinkles comes up to her and licks smeared food off her face.

I can't imagine now one without the other. What a friendship!

Is freedom, really freedom?

Ah finally! The time has come for me to return to the workforce. Okay, maybe it was time a few months ago, but I wasn't ready. Because my baby girl was still too dependent on me. Because I didn't know whom I could trust to watch her. Because I would miss her each minute I am away from her. Because.... I just wasn't ready.

A new opportunity arose just last week after I made my decision to go back to work part-time. All of a sudden, there was a position of permanence - well, to a degree of anyway - available to me at a fabulously chic location in Dallas. Hmmm, my horoscope did say that I would have new opportunities this month. So came with that new information, a huge struggle over which babysitter to use, and how we were going to justify spending that much money on just part-time daycare. (Headache, headache, HEADACHE!!!)

Anyway, it was decided to make my paycheck worth the time I am away, we decided to not use a babysitter, and I would work on hubby's days off. Ah, easy decision!

But WAIT! Was it really??? All this time, I always looked forward to his days off that we could spend together, running errands, shopping for groceries, doing nothing... Now, the reality of this new situation sank in quickly. We wouldn't have any days off together for a very long time. Was this worth the small amount of extra money we would have ??!? *Sigh* I guess a little give on the financial side, isn't exactly a fair trade off for spending less time with each other. But this tiny little step towards financial improvement could mean everything to us. It would be a tiny step towards leaving this ghetto of a place we call home now. It would mean moving to a much better community, to a better school district for Elyse. I know it seems too early to plan ahead that far, but having learnt from friends in similar situations, it is imperative to not lag behind when it comes to children's education. It could also mean us being able to afford our own home. *DREAM*

I guess having been at home by myself with the baby for so long, I've been locked in my comfort zone for too long. But I find myself getting used to the idea a little bit more everyday. Maybe after this week, it will almost be like I never had a worry about this at all. Maybe then, I could finally enjoy my 10 hours of 'freedom' (now, i use that term very loosely). And maybe then, it won't seem like I'm always caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Be still my heart......

Ahhh...finally some time to work on my blog. The little turkey butt, ahem, excuse me, my baby girl has taken to being awake a lot during the day and demands my attention almost every minute. I really shouldn't complain because she does sleep very well through the night which has let Jonathan and I regain our sanity a little.

She's really grown into her own person, her little feisty personality just charging it's way through in every thing she does. Recently, she's found her voice.. and it's a loud one. She squeals and screeches so much that it makes my own throat sore. But it just makes my heart so full and proud when i see that sweet smile and hear that cute little chuckle when she sees her father's or my face. Mornings have become my favourite time of the day because Elyse can't stop telling us (and her favourite toys) in her own little baby squeals how much she's missed us whilst she was asleep.

And just so the rest of the world can share in my delight, I've added a link to a cute video I took just this past weekend. If you're feeling down, just spare a minute to watch this and I guarantee it'll cheer you up good. http://picasaweb.google.com/pleasancechong/ElyseVideos/photo?authkey=2e7c1L_4X8E#5103448215856536866

Oh, got to run now. Excuse me whilst I respond to the little miss.