Stop and smell the roses

I've been doing a fair share of food blogs exploration lately, and I have to say I'm embarrassed how my blog turned out. It started out with some amount of food postings, then things went, well, a little south. Past few posts were just downright depressing. My apologies...

I think I ought to let this blog live up to its name a little. Hence, let me share my little raspberry-orange cakelets. I used a cute rose cakelet pan, which I received as a wedding gift. I believe it was a limited-edition item from William-Sonoma. The cakelets themselves are just a plain cupcake recipe, which I added some thawed frozen raspberries and a tiny amount of orange oil and zest.

Light, fluffy, sweet and tart at the same time. How wonderful if life could be that way all the time?

Seen the darkness

I'm sure those of you whom have read the previous post must think me in serious mental jeopardy. Ah, maybe so... But I drafted that post a couple of weeks ago when my mind was extremely cloudy, could not finish it, but couldn't delete it either. So i just briefly capped it off and posted it today.

I lose control of my thoughts sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. I am not proud of it. Better-to-doers would say "Mind over matter, my dear girl." Yeah, yeah... Fat lot easier said, than done. Sometimes it just feels good to wallow in the pit of self-pity for a while. Lying in the muck, slinging it around, hoping it hits some innocent bystanders. Misery loves company, I'm afraid.

*Sigh* My poor husband!

Precariously perched.....

There are days when I just want to run head-long into a hard concrete wall, with hope that the impact would knock me awake or kill me. One way or another, perhaps the madness would end. A horrible thought? Well, perhaps. But I will bet you that there's not a single person who's lived that has never had these contemplations even once.

So, is it just human weakness? Plain ol' day to day depression? Or is there a sinister underlying current that runs deep? Why do we pick at our old wounds and scabs, and thrive on the pain that they inflict again and again? Why do we drive down the same old malignant road, time after time? I think that it boils down to the sadist AND masochist within us. You know, the one half that scoffs at other's misfortunes, and then the other half that goes "I HATE everything about me!"

Take a wild guess which side of the fence I'm on today.

No need for a special day.

Blessed.

Very blessed.

That's how I feel every night when I go to bed. Okay, so it's harder to focus in on that sometimes. Some days the feeling is a little stronger than on others. Sometimes, I need a swift kick in the rear to remember. On some other days, I have to fight tooth and nail, and maybe bleed a little before reluctantly surrendering to the fact that no matter how crappy my day has been, no matter how many unfortunate events rain themselves on me, I have, in truth, many things to be incredibly thankful for:

My beautiful, funny, smart, and goofy baby girl.

My incredibly loving and supportive husband, who is my pillar of strength and challenges me to face the cruel world with my chin up and a smile.

My wonderful parents who have always been around for me.

My brilliant, crazy little sister who inspires me endlessly.

My handful of few, but fiercely supportive group of true friends; some of whom my sanity and well-being dearly depend on.

Today I am able to write this, probably because I'm on the upswing of the roller-coaster that I'm perpetually riding on, so that on inevitable low, low days I will be able to come back and read upon this and remember.

Cute cookie

Okay, my sister has completely indulged one of my childhood (never really outgrew it) loves! She got Elyse and I a couple of packages of Miffy cookies, all the way from Tokyo!

Ultimate cuteness! Funny thing is that they really tasted great! Buttery, slightly sweet, with a slight crunch and then completely melting in the mouth. Yummmm....

All kinds of adorable Miffy pictures.

Miffy and bear!

Funny giraffes!

The First Year.

Yikes! Just realized after a long absence from my blog that it has been...*GULP*, almost 6 months since my last post!!! (*Feeling really, really guilty). Same old excuses, busy with baby whom I am so proud to announce, is well on her way to toddlerhood!

Bunnee-girl celebrated her first birthday two weeks ago. It was a small celebration with a few close friends. I made her a Miffy cake, and Lisa made lots of delicious food. The cake was lemon butter, with a raspberry-lemon buttercream. It was almost completely organic, with the exception of the fondant (which was storebought) and the Miffy icing decoration (couldn't find organic meringue powder, but used organic confectioner's sugar though.)



Elyse had absolutely no idea what was going on that day. All she knew was that we were spending the weekend at Lisa's place, which she loves, and there were lots of visitors! Not sure if she was actually happy about that..hehe. She enjoyed her balloons, especially a cute Nemo one we got for her (which is still happily bobbing up and down in my living room even now.)

She did enjoy digging into her mini-cake, which I made alongside the Miffy cake. It was so satisfying, watching her smoosh her little fingers into that cake and completely tearing it apart! She ended up eating more than half of that cake, by the way, and had a complete sugar crash towards the end of the party.

I think I was so busy preparing for her party, obsessing about Miffy details (I couldn't find Miffy partyware, so ended up printing and sticking my own stickers on the pink and orange party pieces), that I really didn't have time to think about the fact that she's been in this world for more than one whole year. It finally started to hit me about a week later when, during lunch, she shook her head violently when I put more food on her highchair tray, and proceeded to throw each leftover piece on the floor, one by one. Then she reached out both arms to me and said "Ma-ma....uuugggghhh". I guessed she was done, and I was right.

What a personality she has developed! She's turned out to be a adorable, loving, relatively easy-going (when she gets enough sleep) little one, who LOVES to dance, bouncing up and down on any bouncy surface (including her mommy and daddy's tummies), eats anything, but especially loves tofu, noodles, oranges and cookies.

I am already seeing hints of toddler behaviour peeking out, small tantrums, irrepressible curiousity, and a whopping vocabulary of baby babble. How exciting! How terrifying for my husband and I! But, we take it all in shaky stride because this has to be the most exhilarating, fingernail-biting adventure we've ever been on in our entire lives! Well, so far anyway....

What is happiness?

Happiness is...pure and innocent;
It is worldly and wise;
It is in giving, and in receiving;
It is in loving, and in being loved;
It can be tangible, yet untouchable;
It can appear as being or as energy;
It is subtle, yet so powerful;
It is abundant, yet hard to find;
It says a million words, yet can be painfully silent;
It is always welcome, although the invitations get lost;
Dark is a world without it;
Yet, a world without dark will never see the light.

Fast friends!

Ah! The love that my little sugar bear has for this kitty, is only overshadowed by the love this little kitty has for my little girl. Sprinkles is the first one by her side when Elyse cries, jumping up on the glider and peering into the crib to see if she's alright. She meows heartwrenchingly, when Elyse is howling away from not wanting to sleep. Sprinkles lets the little one grab fistfuls of fur and yet only lets out a quiet little meow, never angry nor spiteful. She is there by her bathtub, every evening whilst Elyse is enjoying her splash time. Elyse will smile when Sprinkles comes up to her and licks smeared food off her face.

I can't imagine now one without the other. What a friendship!

Is freedom, really freedom?

Ah finally! The time has come for me to return to the workforce. Okay, maybe it was time a few months ago, but I wasn't ready. Because my baby girl was still too dependent on me. Because I didn't know whom I could trust to watch her. Because I would miss her each minute I am away from her. Because.... I just wasn't ready.

A new opportunity arose just last week after I made my decision to go back to work part-time. All of a sudden, there was a position of permanence - well, to a degree of anyway - available to me at a fabulously chic location in Dallas. Hmmm, my horoscope did say that I would have new opportunities this month. So came with that new information, a huge struggle over which babysitter to use, and how we were going to justify spending that much money on just part-time daycare. (Headache, headache, HEADACHE!!!)

Anyway, it was decided to make my paycheck worth the time I am away, we decided to not use a babysitter, and I would work on hubby's days off. Ah, easy decision!

But WAIT! Was it really??? All this time, I always looked forward to his days off that we could spend together, running errands, shopping for groceries, doing nothing... Now, the reality of this new situation sank in quickly. We wouldn't have any days off together for a very long time. Was this worth the small amount of extra money we would have ??!? *Sigh* I guess a little give on the financial side, isn't exactly a fair trade off for spending less time with each other. But this tiny little step towards financial improvement could mean everything to us. It would be a tiny step towards leaving this ghetto of a place we call home now. It would mean moving to a much better community, to a better school district for Elyse. I know it seems too early to plan ahead that far, but having learnt from friends in similar situations, it is imperative to not lag behind when it comes to children's education. It could also mean us being able to afford our own home. *DREAM*

I guess having been at home by myself with the baby for so long, I've been locked in my comfort zone for too long. But I find myself getting used to the idea a little bit more everyday. Maybe after this week, it will almost be like I never had a worry about this at all. Maybe then, I could finally enjoy my 10 hours of 'freedom' (now, i use that term very loosely). And maybe then, it won't seem like I'm always caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Be still my heart......

Ahhh...finally some time to work on my blog. The little turkey butt, ahem, excuse me, my baby girl has taken to being awake a lot during the day and demands my attention almost every minute. I really shouldn't complain because she does sleep very well through the night which has let Jonathan and I regain our sanity a little.

She's really grown into her own person, her little feisty personality just charging it's way through in every thing she does. Recently, she's found her voice.. and it's a loud one. She squeals and screeches so much that it makes my own throat sore. But it just makes my heart so full and proud when i see that sweet smile and hear that cute little chuckle when she sees her father's or my face. Mornings have become my favourite time of the day because Elyse can't stop telling us (and her favourite toys) in her own little baby squeals how much she's missed us whilst she was asleep.

And just so the rest of the world can share in my delight, I've added a link to a cute video I took just this past weekend. If you're feeling down, just spare a minute to watch this and I guarantee it'll cheer you up good. http://picasaweb.google.com/pleasancechong/ElyseVideos/photo?authkey=2e7c1L_4X8E#5103448215856536866

Oh, got to run now. Excuse me whilst I respond to the little miss.

Where is Home?

This past Saturday, my heart came to a complete stop for a few seconds. I was nursing Elyse at a friend's home whilst Jon was helping said friends move their stuff upstairs. What happened next, happened in complete slow motion - you know, when you're witnessing an event, and things are already in motion and it's completely too late to stop it. Started with a loud crack, yelling and then a big piece of grey falling through the ceiling from the attic above, and then followed by lots of fluff and then ...CRASH!!!!

I woke up from my slo-mo daze when I realized it was my husband lying there on the ground, groaning. With baby still latched on to me, I sprinted over to him completely frantic and to be honest, I don't quite remember what I said or did. All I recall was someone gently telling me to hand the baby over and then I was on the ground next to Jon, sobbing away. I cried even harder when he started laughing and cracking jokes because I was convinced he had suffered a concussion. I couldn't stop shaking for a the longest time whilst we were making sure he wasn't impaled on anything or was sporting any new attachments to his body. The owner of the home had called 911 and soon enough the entire army of emergency vehicles were there to assess the situation. They convinced Jon to let them take him to the hospital, and I got to ride along in the ambulance. I'd never been in one, and would have been very happy to make it through my entire life without being in one.

The ER visit was a quick one, to our surprise. We were there for a total of less than 4 hours. The staff were attentive and we were very relieved that Jon had only suffered one broken bone on his foot, along with some bruises and a pretty scraped up left arm. These injuries could have been so much worse, considering that there were loose power tools lying around and a huge power saw that Jon had just moved moments before the floor gave way from under him.

All I could think of during those hours were if anything happened to him, I would be all alone with the baby. Everything that's happened this past year, being pregnant, having the baby without my family around, my mom getting ill, and then this accident, have strengthened my resolve to go home for good. Things haven't worked out for us over the time period we've been here. And the biggest sacrifice is being so far away from our families and friends back home. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends who are here, but Jon and I have always felt like outsiders, even though our friends have welcomed us with open arms. It isn't the same to not have your family close by. The reality of being half a world away from my family hits me harder everyday that passes.

However, will we be sacrificing opportunities that are available here for the comforts of home? I guess the answer will come to us soon, I hope.

There are no words.....

It has been more than two months since my last post. My baby girl is already 11 weeks old. Time really has just flown by at breakneck speed. I have watched my baby just blossom right before my very eyes into a very special individual although she doesn't quite grasp the concept yet. I wake up to her smiling face and little coos every morning and my heart just swells with so much love for this little angel. There have been very challenging moments, days when she would go without a single nap during the day and then pull some award-winning cranky tantrums during bedtime - nothing different from any other baby, I guess.

And there was also the week from hell, just last week when all three of us got colds. It was baby's first cold and it tore at my heart to hear how congested she was. (Be very, very grateful you know how to blow your nose - One of the small things that really do count.) Jon had it really bad and I had to let him rest since he couldn't take any days off. So, yours truly had to bear the brunt of it whilst taking care of the both of them. Towards the end of the week, I hit the wall and had a meltdown. Long story short, I ended up punching the closet door and tore open the skin on my knuckles. Let's just say I was wide awake after that, albeit still a complete mess. The next day was almost like a new day for me. I hadn't realized what a toll it was taking on me. I thought I could handle it well, but the stress of dealing with being sick, taking care of Jon and the baby, postpartum blues, being very broke and homesick was just building up and completely washed over me.

I am aware now of the huge changes in my life. It makes all the difference to be in the moment and acknowledge that things will never be the same again - It will always be better.

Meet my precious bundle of joy.

Sound the trumpets! Finally, after 38 weeks.....and the last three weeks being the longest, Elyse Hui-En is here. She arrived shortly after midnight, 12.44 am to be exact on the morning of April 17, 2007. Weighing in at 6 lbs even and 47 cm long, she is all well and healthy and everything a parent could ask for. Isn't she just beautiful???

Jon and I are just absolutely in love with this little wonder that does nothing but sleep, consume endless amounts of milk, (my poor mammaries) and producing endless amounts of poopy diapers, but also most capable of making the most hilarious faces we've seen in recent history.

My labor and delivery was long and had it's fair share of complications. In fact, I had to make a lot of changes to my birth plan but in the end, they were done for my baby's well being and safety in mind. The fact that she is here all safe and sound is all that matters.

So, after many sleep-deprived days and nights, I post this blog with an affirmation - it really all is worth it!

Bye bye laptop

Many apologies! It has been a while since I've posted a blog. Main reason for the absence is that my trusty ol' laptop has died and gone to computer heaven. *Sob, sob! You never know how dependent you are on something until it is gone forever. You know, in hindsight, there were a few signs of its impending demise. It wouldn't start up properly a few times, but of course I completely ignored that....total denial! I thought that it could survive anything. It had gone many places with me, travelled to different cities and states, many a meeting and trade show. I used it for everything. EVERYTHING!!! *Sigh....you must think I am a complete lunatic by now.

Take my advice. Treat your computer well. Oh, and back up all your important documents. You have no idea how big a role they play in your life until it's too late.

Can you say ADORABLE??!??

I am ecstatic! I got to see my sweet little baby girl's face for the first time this past Saturday. Thank to modern technology, this was no ordinary ultrasound procedure. With this machine, they could show us 3D pictures and 4D video movements (photographs at one second intervals) of our little precious one.

Jon and I were emotional beyond words - she is just so beautiful, more than I ever imagined! Now, we REALLY cannot wait to meet her in about two months or so.

Comfort food

There is nothing that will lift the spirits on a cold winter's day like a warm, comforting dish.

We had a stretch of really cold days and I had been craving soupy dishes pretty much every one of those days. Well, I finally decided that we needed to have Bak Kut Teh and I made it last Saturday when Jon didn't have to work.

Of course, I didn't make it from scratch. With all the good ready-packed spices in the market, it's not necessary to go to all the trouble to make it myself. However, I usually add my own special touches - lots of garlic, variety of mushrooms including shiitakes, straw and golden enoki mushrooms , napa cabbage and a shot of Shaoxing wine. Served with lots and lots of chopped raw garlic and cili padi in a mix of soy sauce and fish sauce, yow char kuai and warm rice, it hits all the spots.

I made so much, we had leftovers for the next 3 days. It was a very happy weekend.

Purrfect contentment.

I cannot begin to comment on how contented my sweet little kitties are. They have quite an easy life, surrounded by pure blissful ignorance. Being around them make it a little easier to take a breather when things are not exactly going well. Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from them eh?

Picking oneself up and dusting off.

My conversations with my closest friends and my family tend to be retrospective nowadays. Sometimes, there is more regret in my voice than I would like there to be. It would be easy to just say to myself, "Just let it go and move on...." But I feel that the lessons get lost if there isn't enough contemplation on my part. I guess I'm just walking the line between wanting to look forward and move on, and hanging on to what might have been.

Any rational person would tell you that it is unhealthy to hold on to experiences past, but then again, most people do so because those parts of their lives were all they knew at that time. Sometimes, the circumstances affect us so strongly because they were new high points, never before experienced and had heavy emotional investment on our parts. As Amy mentioned in our chat the other day, these experiences strip you of everything, and it feels like having to start from scratch all over again. No doubt, it is a painful process, and sometimes it feels better just to be in denial and cling on to that false sense of security from our warped memories.

My father always reminds me that life is full of challenges, and that we always need to be positive and look forward. My mother tries to convey the same message, but knowing that she's had a battle-weary life, it always comes across with a hint of bitterness. I try to learn from their experiences and try not to make the same mistakes. Then again, mistakes of a different kind don't make the pill any easier to swallow. So, in my poor mind, I juggle my own dreams, goals and regrets, along with those of my family and some friends. However, I have also learnt to understand, (but not necessarily accept) that sometimes things just happen and are completely beyond my control. Now, that's a jagged little pill for ya.

Cabin fever

What does one do when the weather is most unfriendly and causes one to be stuck at home? Why, cook up a storm, of course! (Hehe. Pardon the pun). We had a week of constant icy rain and snow, which really made up for a most foul environment outside. It was very cold, wet and you were likely to slip at least once on invisible ice just to make it to the parking lot.

Jon had to stay home on Wednesday because all the roads were iced up and it was too big a risk to head to work. We decided to make Hainanese Chicken Rice, which we were craving BIG time. In fact, I'll admit, I've been craving it pretty much throughout my pregnancy, and was only able to partially satisfy the gnawing pangs with really mediocre chicken rice at a Singaporean hole-in-the-wall eating spot in Plano.

Jon felt the same way and we just decided to go shopping a couple of days before (Thank goodness for early bad weather warnings!) for all the ingredients - whole chicken, chilli peppers for the sauce and a few other necessities to make the entire meal. Well, I couldn't find red cayenne peppers, which are the red chillies normally used in Malaysian cooking. (FYI, I have made another resolution to grow my own cayennes since it is close to impossible to find them here. Wish me luck!) So, I replaced them with a combination of red jalapenos, red cili padi, and a couple of habaneros, along with garlic, ginger and lime juice. WOOOO!!! Let's just say a couple of bites into the chicken with the sauce, and we weren't feeling the cold anymore. Anyway, I digress.......

Well, it took us a total of two and a half hours to cook the entire meal - chicken, rice and soup. Of course, I had to face another dilemma along the way - to follow the recipe to the T, I had to reserve some chicken fat to be included in the rice and the chilli sauce. *Groan! It was making me gag just to clean the chicken. To process the fat would just push me over the edge. BUT, I was intent on having a proper chicken rice meal and decided to suck it up and deal with it. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Jon was having a good laugh at my expense.

All in all, I have to say, the effort was definitely worth it. We had enough to last us four meals. Very good, considering it cost us probably about $15 for the entire thing.

So, anytime you anticipate being cooped up at home with nowhere to go, I suggest stocking up on some ingredients and going to town with some recipes. Happy cooking and good eats!

'Tis the time of the year again.

One more year has come and gone. This year has by far been the most eventful and punishing in recent years of my life. However, I've also been blessed in many wonderful ways too. It's remembering to balance both that has been my ultimate quest these days.

You know, a few weeks ago I was still angry about failing the business we started a year ago - a project we had all believed to have been the salvation for our families. More thought went into it and I realized that we did everything we could that we knew how to. It's been a painful and expensive lesson, but a good lesson at that. I have similar feelings towards the loss of our first baby, but have been healed with my second pregnancy - a baby girl, we found out on my birthday. Jon and I believe that it was her all along back in March and that she had decided to wait for a healthier body. Losing her the first time was an excruciating experience, and I would never want to go through it again. But it makes you see things in a completely different perspective and makes you thankful for everything that you do have.

Everything has been so unsettling this year and my faith in myself has been badly shaken. I found myself doubting every decision I made or was about to, and punished myself severely when they turned out to not be the right ones. Our relationships with some friends were called into question over personal issues. The sense of loss from everything surrounding us was just overwhelming.

I am however, very thankful for finding strength in my relationship with my husband and my family, and also some friends to overcome this period in time. It was through these uncertain times that I know who I can count on for unconditional love and support. The list isn't very long, but I am deeply grateful for having these people in my life. Not at the very least is my love for my unborn daughter, whom I cannot wait to meet. She has inspired me to persist on and strive to give her the best that I can. I cannot ask for better motivation.

So, to all out there who wish for a better year ahead, I am with you and bid you a safe, healthy journey into 2007.