Seen the darkness

I'm sure those of you whom have read the previous post must think me in serious mental jeopardy. Ah, maybe so... But I drafted that post a couple of weeks ago when my mind was extremely cloudy, could not finish it, but couldn't delete it either. So i just briefly capped it off and posted it today.

I lose control of my thoughts sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. I am not proud of it. Better-to-doers would say "Mind over matter, my dear girl." Yeah, yeah... Fat lot easier said, than done. Sometimes it just feels good to wallow in the pit of self-pity for a while. Lying in the muck, slinging it around, hoping it hits some innocent bystanders. Misery loves company, I'm afraid.

*Sigh* My poor husband!

Precariously perched.....

There are days when I just want to run head-long into a hard concrete wall, with hope that the impact would knock me awake or kill me. One way or another, perhaps the madness would end. A horrible thought? Well, perhaps. But I will bet you that there's not a single person who's lived that has never had these contemplations even once.

So, is it just human weakness? Plain ol' day to day depression? Or is there a sinister underlying current that runs deep? Why do we pick at our old wounds and scabs, and thrive on the pain that they inflict again and again? Why do we drive down the same old malignant road, time after time? I think that it boils down to the sadist AND masochist within us. You know, the one half that scoffs at other's misfortunes, and then the other half that goes "I HATE everything about me!"

Take a wild guess which side of the fence I'm on today.

No need for a special day.

Blessed.

Very blessed.

That's how I feel every night when I go to bed. Okay, so it's harder to focus in on that sometimes. Some days the feeling is a little stronger than on others. Sometimes, I need a swift kick in the rear to remember. On some other days, I have to fight tooth and nail, and maybe bleed a little before reluctantly surrendering to the fact that no matter how crappy my day has been, no matter how many unfortunate events rain themselves on me, I have, in truth, many things to be incredibly thankful for:

My beautiful, funny, smart, and goofy baby girl.

My incredibly loving and supportive husband, who is my pillar of strength and challenges me to face the cruel world with my chin up and a smile.

My wonderful parents who have always been around for me.

My brilliant, crazy little sister who inspires me endlessly.

My handful of few, but fiercely supportive group of true friends; some of whom my sanity and well-being dearly depend on.

Today I am able to write this, probably because I'm on the upswing of the roller-coaster that I'm perpetually riding on, so that on inevitable low, low days I will be able to come back and read upon this and remember.